joke

[tonynoosa]

_________________
I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy it and your just jealous cause the voice's only talk to ME.

[tonynoosa]

_________________
I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy it and your just jealous cause the voice's only talk to ME.

[tonynoosa]

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I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy it and your just jealous cause the voice's only talk to ME.

[Sir Frosty]

THE PARROT WITH NO LEGS

A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch and it doesn't have any feet or legs.
He says out aloud, Jeeze, I wonder what happened to this bird?

The parrot says..... I was born this way….. I'm a defective parrot.

Holy s#*t, the bloke replies. You actually understood and answered me!

I got every word, says the parrot,…. I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.

Oh yeah? He asks, Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?

Well, the parrot says, this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my penis around this wooden bar ….. like a little hook - You can't see it because of my feathers.

Struth, the bloke says. You really can understand and speak English can't you?

Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.

He looks at the $20,000 price tag. - Sorry, but I just can't afford that.

Pssssssst, says the parrot, I'm defective, so the truth is nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the shop owner an offer!

So he offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. It has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's great company, understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The bloke is delighted.

One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes, Pssssssssssst! and motions him over with one wing. …. I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.

What are you talking about? Asks the guy.

When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.

WHAT???... The guy asks incredulously. THEN what happened?

Well, the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,
reported the parrot.

NO! He exclaims…. And she let him?

Yes, and he continued taking off the nightie , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....

Then the frantic guy demands, THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

Damned if I know….. I got an erection and fell off my perch!

_________________
....the honorable royal poobah sir frosty ...Get your Forum Stickers NOW

BE Australian, ... BUY Australian.

[Scouse]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?



MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

[Sir Frosty]

[Scouse]

Better watch out !!

I might have to visit Queensland .

[Sir Frosty]

(now that your online at home, think of all those extra bargains you can now get off epay)

_________________
....the honorable royal poobah sir frosty ...Get your Forum Stickers NOW

BE Australian, ... BUY Australian.

[Scouse]

[Sir Frosty]

Three little ducks walk into a bar ......



"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"


"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.


"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all

day myself. What else could a duck want?"


The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"






"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

"My name is Puddles."

_________________
....the honorable royal poobah sir frosty ...Get your Forum Stickers NOW

BE Australian, ... BUY Australian.

[tonynoosa]

The 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
"Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up angrily and said,
"You should not be asking eighth-graders a question like that! I'm going
to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then
fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again.
"Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. She said to those around her, "Boy, is she
going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and addressed the class. "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and replied,
"The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." She turned to Mary.

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say. One, you have a dirty
mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

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I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy it and your just jealous cause the voice's only talk to ME.

[tonynoosa]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
valley
and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as
you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at
ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at
the same speed as you.


What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

.

.
.
.

.
.
.
.
.














Answer:

Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're p*ssed.

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I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy it and your just jealous cause the voice's only talk to ME.

[Sir Frosty]

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequila, slams the glass on the table and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day."

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey -- throws his glass on the floor and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine."

The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says, "I've had enough of you two. I'm going to go home and have sex with the cat."

_________________
....the honorable royal poobah sir frosty ...Get your Forum Stickers NOW

BE Australian, ... BUY Australian.

[Scouse]

Why We Split-Up

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending:
$65.00 on make-up,
$150 for a cut & colour,
$30 for a manicure,
$40 for a pedicure,
$50 on vitamins,
$300 on clothes
and $600 for a gym membership.
I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed it to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.

[grant69]

Steve Irwin should have worn sunscreen, it would have blocked out the harmful rays

_________________
59 Ute Coronation Blue

under construction
58 2door soon to be chopped - 4AGE, 5 speed, 4 wheel discs, a/c, pwr steer

[Scouse]

Nice one Grant .

His last words:
Crikey .. if that ray gets me with his tail I will be in real trouble ..

[Trev aus]

> A bra, a battery and a set of jump leads walk into a pub
>
> The battery and the jump leads take a seat while the
> bra goes up to the bar.
>
> The bra says to the barman "Three schooners of new please"
>
> "Sorry mate" says the barman "I can't serve you"
>
> "Why not?" asks the bra
>
> "Coz you're off your tits and your mates look like they're going to
> start something"
Trev
Aus

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MORRIS MINOR
HELPING PUT OIL BACK IN THE GROUND FOR 60 YEARS
CARS DON'T GET ANY "GREENER" THAN THAT!

[Trev aus]

Steve called a meeting at australia zoo, he had something to get off his chest.
Trev
Aus

_________________
MORRIS MINOR
HELPING PUT OIL BACK IN THE GROUND FOR 60 YEARS
CARS DON'T GET ANY "GREENER" THAN THAT!

[Sir Frosty]

An Italian, German and Australian soccer fans were arrested in a small Arabian state when they were caught piddleing on a religious building after an all night drinking session. The trio had to front up to the local sultan and were dished out the typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the whip to the back.

But as the Sultan was a big soccer fan he kindly granted them two wishes each - but they were not allowed to change type of punishment.

The Italian says "Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I want the pleasure of a beer and a pillow." The Sultan grants his wishes.

With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his naked back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before smiling. "I would like to have two pillows for my back". The Sultan thinks about the uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given he has used up his two wishes in one go.

However after 15 lashes of the whip both pillows have fallen apart and the German has to painfully endure the remaining 5 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under his breath about a dodgy penalty.

"Ok my first wish is to double the number of lashes to 40." - There is stunned silence from all.

The Italian, German and Sultan are a little surprised at the first wish but then remember the strong fighting performance the Aussies put up during the World Cup in Germany 2006.

The Italian and German look at each other and nod in admiration - obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is.

The Sultan asks the Aussie for his second wish.



"Tie the Italian to my back!"

_________________
....the honorable royal poobah sir frosty ...Get your Forum Stickers NOW

BE Australian, ... BUY Australian.

[Tom]

This bloke had always wanted to go sky diving so he saved up for a couple of months and went to the air field. He didn't want to jump strapped to someone else so he had to go through hours of training. Finally he gets his chance to do a solo jump. He is in the plane at 6000mtrs and the instructor gives him a final instruction "Jump out, count to three and pull the cord"
He jumps out the plane with a huge smile on his face and counts 1...2...3
and pulls the cord. Nothing happens. He franticly keeps tugging at it but no go. He then remembers his emergency chute and pulls that cord. Nothing. He starts to panic and just as he feels there is nothing else to do he looks down and sees this other bloke coming upwards towards him. In a frenzy he reaches out and grabs the guy as he got level and yells in his ear,
DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SKY DIVING?
The other bloke looks him in the eyes and yells
NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GAS BARBEQUE'S?

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Bacteria.... it's the only culture some folks will ever have...

[Sir Frosty]

A Love Story...

A man and woman who had never met before; but who were
both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same
sleeping compartment on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly ….. . he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I 'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the wardrobe to get me a second blanket? ... I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied.

"Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed, getting all excited.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own bloody blanket."




After a moment of silence, he farted.

_________________
....the honorable royal poobah sir frosty ...Get your Forum Stickers NOW

BE Australian, ... BUY Australian.

[grant69]

One of the funniest things I've seen
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8811551493740102634

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59 Ute Coronation Blue

under construction
58 2door soon to be chopped - 4AGE, 5 speed, 4 wheel discs, a/c, pwr steer

[stratmoto]

Running a bit rich?

http://videos.streetfire.net/hottestvideos/3/a08b1b74-0bf5-4abe-90a0-9813007ff33b.htm

[Sir Frosty]

A dedicated forum member

_________________
....the honorable royal poobah sir frosty ...Get your Forum Stickers NOW

BE Australian, ... BUY Australian.

[Scouse]

I guess too much of this forum would give anyone the sh1ts .